How I overcame my fear of painting

When I started drawing and painting again, I realized how much I had missed it. It’s a challenge to try to put that into words. And that’s exactly why I’m going to try.

For quite some time, something had been quietly brewing inside me. I felt the urge to create again, but… where to start... The desire kept growing, while the threshold to actually start remained high.

At home, my husband knew I had once done something creative. But he had no idea what that really meant, or how much space it actually took up within me.

An unexpected breakthrough

That breakthrough came during a visit to STRAAT in Amsterdam. I still find myself wondering what exactly happened there.

STRAAT Amsterdam, December 2nd 2022

Together with a friend, a talented graphic designer, I walked through the museum. We were both, in our own way, impressed by the large works of street artists, talking about them casually as we went.

What came over me was a sense of coming home. It is not a neat, quiet museum. There are powerful works by incredibly talented people. People who didn’t necessarily follow the conventional path. Each with their own message and style. I think something shifted in me there.

Just starting

When I got home, I picked up my empty 25 year old sketchbook, and started drawing. Nothing figurative, only abstract. Just doing, seeing what would happen. One thing after another flowed from my hand.

Not with the goal of being beautiful. Not to share. It was my therapy at that moment. And I realized how much I truly needed it.

Daring to show

Still, I began to share my work. Not for validation, but to prove to myself that my life as a maker has a right to exist. I take people around me along in my process, showing what emerges and how it grows.

It helped me step out of my shell. To get used to the idea that others can, and will, have opinions about it, without me having to agree. And the other way around as well.

Keep creating

Since that visit to the museum, there has hardly been a day that I haven’t been creating. The form has evolved, but the essence remains the same.

It’s a sense of urgency that can’t really be captured in words.